I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Randomize
