i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
