So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
