I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
