Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
Randomize
