stupid gm bankruptcy made me miss the showcase showdown
Those cock suckers. We need to know who's winning the hot tub and the vacation to the alps
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
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