Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Randomize
