I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
