i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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