Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
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