So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
