now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Randomize
