dats a huuuuuge bitch!
who is this????
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
