Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
