Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
Randomize
