Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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