well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Randomize
