can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Randomize
