Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
My dad just said "fuck circus"
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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