The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
