I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I'm too high and old for this...
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Randomize
