college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
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