dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
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