I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
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