new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Drunk is not a location!
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
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