I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
