I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize
