I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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