So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
