my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
