I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
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