I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
