I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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