areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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