i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
