I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
the condom got lost in my hair
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Randomize
