I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
Randomize
