my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
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