nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Randomize
