I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
Randomize
