I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
