so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
