I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
He lets me throw up in him even if i do it mistakeily- erica talking about the toilet
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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