I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Dignity is for republicans.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
