That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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