I wanna passion pit in your ass
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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