dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
