so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
