I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
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