you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Free beer happened. I got hammered and aaron did his first keg stand. Then went all martha stewart on redecorating the bathroom. I remember being at walmart
What theme did he decide on for the bathroom?
Well as you know martha loves the northeast this time of year. I believe the theme was 'coney island' decorrated with hot dogs and macaroni
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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